Revelations.

July 31, 2005 at 10:19 pm (Uncategorized)

As the month of July comes to an end, so does another saga of my life.

I finally discovered what being a gracious looser means. Accepting defeat with a smile on your face never seemed so satisfying. Knowing you tried your best never and still failed felt so gratifying. Learning from your mistakes never seemed so fulfilling.

I played with fire. At first it was so exciting. I loved the thrill of almost getting burned, and the satisfaction of getting away unscathed. Oh well, at least thats what I thought. But knowing now that the only result of playing with fire is getting burned, I guess I should have done things in a diffrent way.

At least I know what caused this major fuck up – myself. I never had control over myself. I could not harness my emotions, I could not leash my own actions. In the end, everything came back to me. In the end I imploded.

Oh well, I guess the saying “When God closes one door, He opens another” will be my personal mantra for the future. On a related note, I found it funny how a comic strip can be so right for the moment. Check out today’s Broom Hilda strip in The Star.

Anyways, its time to hit the sack. I got a big day tomorrow – the last 48 hours have been my most taxing in a while.

Cake – I Will Survive Lyrics

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
I kept thinkin’ I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights just thinking how you’ve done me wrong
And I grew strong, I learned how to get along

And so you’re back from outer space,
I just walked in to find you here with that, that look upon your face
I should have changed my fucking lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I’d have known for just one second you’d be back to bother me.

Oh now go, walk out the door
Just turn around now, you’re not welcome anymore.
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?

Oh not I, I will survive
Yeah, as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll be alive.
I’ve got all my life to live,
I’ve got all my love to give,
I will survive

I will survive
Yeah, yeah…

(SOLO)

It took all the strength I had just not to fall apart,
I’m tryin’ hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights just feelin’ sorry for myself,
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high.

And you’ll see me with somebody new
I’m not that stupid little person still in love with you.
And so you thought you’d just drop by and you expect me to be free,
But now I’m saving all my lovin’ for someone who’s lovin’ me,

Oh now go, walk out the door.
Just turn around now, you’re not welcome anymore.
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?

Oh not I, I will survive
Yeah, as long as I know how to love I know I’ll be alive,
I’ve got all my life to live,
I’ve got all my love to give,
I will survive

I will survive
Yeah, yeah

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Bacardi 151

July 29, 2005 at 4:50 am (Uncategorized)

Its funny how a little drink can set your mind straight innit?

The past few days have been a roller coaster ride for me. I had my high highs, and I had my low lows. In a nutshell, I cant help to hope that all my days are going to be filled with nothing but high-ness, but I got to be realistic aye?

Today was a day of revelations for me, both emotionaly and, well you could say physically.

Ive gone though lots of shit in the past, but nothing can add up to the shit I had to put myself through in the past 48 hours. Dont you hate it when emotions take over your brain? Dont you hate it when you let your dark secret slip out due to one drink too many? You could probably call me a daft fool who couldnt keep his drinks in.

I could not disagree. But what has been said has been said, regret? Maybe. But being the manly man that I am, I decided to confront it instead of casually pushing the blame on a cup of Jack and Coke. Yes, I will regret the things I said, and if I could do it all over again, I would do it diffrently. Sad I know, maybe this is not what you want to hear (read) but this is the honest truth.

Oh well, if only I could press that huge undo button up in the sky. But well I cant. So here I am, ranting on my blog, downing cups of 151 at 5.30 in the morning.

On a lighter note, today will mark my last day in the HDPM. So, as I look back on the past 11 months that I spent there, I realize one thing. Here is where friendships were made, and broken. Here is where I met her. And as 95% of the other people who left or are leaving HDPM will say, the thing that I love the most about this place is the people.

Damn. People. I met many of those here. Just want to say thanks to those who influenced my life – for better or for worse. Sorry to whom I should appologize, and a big FUCK YOU to those who deserve it.

Come Monday, I will get my life back. I really hope I do, but for now, I am still – for the third consecutive year – *drumroll* just a lonely driver.*end drumroll*

7 shots and I am still standing. New personal record.

Ngoi Yu Sing

kei sat ji gei yat go gam hoi sam ji dang nei gong
kei sat daai ga jou yi yim daai ga keuk baan mong
han yau dor yat dim pung jong ying yin mou liu si gon bat gam da gaau deun fong
yiu si nei yun yi sing sat gong yat tong, bei chi dou hei ma gaau dak sik fong

bat yiu huk ngo ya yan dak liu je se nin loi di wai kuk
mut faat jan sam ngoi ha heui ,ji hou jan sam jan yi di git chuk

*bit joi jou ching yan jou ji maau jou ji gau bat jou ching yan
jou ji chung mat ji siu ho ngoi mai yan wo nei bat chau bat choi
jeui jung ji wui sing wai dik yan (wo nei seung gaau bat chin mou wai ming yat wui bei nei jang)
leun wai gau pang yau si fau yau ching sam mut yau sam ji jeung haan yan yeuk yau hung
naan dou yau hung ho jip man jyu ding chi gwo lou yan mak saang nei jam mo sau jan
(je yu gou faat ji kin sing noi sam)*

cheung kei bei bik lyun ngoi ya jan bei sat lyun ang chaam
cheung kei baan yin yeuk mou kei si boon ang kwan naan
si ngo jyun dang faan ying maan ming ming wai si sam maan paai yat jou goi yiu taan
joi jeung ngo boon leui ying mong do yat ngaan yat saang dou jeung wui gei dak gam maan

Repeat *

deui bat hei ji dung fan sau cho ngok di nei pa wui seung gam
maang muk di ngo yin joi ya ho jyun toi loi ho nei san saang

Repeat *

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Maybe?

July 22, 2005 at 6:06 am (Uncategorized)

I just re-discovered my liking for songs in the Malay (ok Indo actually) language, Ive been spamming Mungkin Nanti for the past 3 days and I must admit, this song is one hell of a catchy one.

What more could I ask for? Tone wise – catchy, vocal wise – strong, lyric wise – applicable to current situation.

Damn, if only we lived in one big musical. This song would definatly be on the soundtrack.

Peter Pan – Mungkin Nanti

Saatnya ku berkata mungkin yang terakhir kalinya
Sudahlah lepaskan semua kuyakin inilah waktunya
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Dan bila hatimu termenung bangun dari mimpi2mu
Membuka hatimu yang dulu cerita saat bersamaku
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Tak usah kau tanyakan lagi simpan untukmu sendiri
Semua sesal yang kau cari semua rasa yang kau beri

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Trapped!

July 19, 2005 at 6:25 am (Uncategorized)

Forbidden fruit. Hmm. They always look the most attractive dont they? Hell, I even hear they taste the best. But, yes there is a “but” involved here, in partaking of the forbidden fruit, one has to deal with the consequences that proceed it.

Here I am, staring at the forbidden fruit. I now only dream of the sweetness it holds. I only imagine the happiness it could bring. I can see the darkness that lies ahead it. Because of this, I hesitate. I know that one of only two things will happen if indeed I do take in this fruit. Fifty fifty chances never really tickled my fancy, but somehow it feels that this challenge is calling out to me. Its slowly but surely trying to tempt me into it. I only hope I can be sober enough to decide rationally.

Dont blame me for not being strong enough. I am but a regular man – and since the very beginning of man, has man succumbed to temptation. God’s first creations succumbed to temptation – how can I not?

But as this fruit continues to grow ripe while still out of my reach, I can already feel the retribution that awaits. It scares me, but at the same time it excites me. Should I drop down all that I have to take the gamble? Should I do that which I know is wrong, just to have a nibble of it?

I have been hungry, so hungry, for so long.

What can I do?

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Relief?

July 14, 2005 at 1:30 pm (Uncategorized)

These past few days have been harsh on me both physically and mentally. Hopefully if all goes well, tomorrow will bring in a new chapter in my life.But Im just worried about how I will get through today. My gang jahat and I have caused nothing but havoc in the office recently. I just hope today can pass without a hicup.

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Crossroads.

July 12, 2005 at 7:07 am (Uncategorized)

My life is at a crossroads – but isnt it always?

What happenes within the next 3 days will shape my future. Damn. Sounds like a whole lot of responsibility. Am I ready for it?

Its funny how we spend 12 years of our life in school, 4 years in college, spend a couple of years working and eventually end up with nothing set in our minds. Goals come and go, dreams come and go. Ambitions are born, careers are chased. Ideas are considered, plans are executed. Eventually, as you steer yourself to what you think is the right track, you realise that you are heading the in the wrong direction.

In essence, isnt life all about making the right choices? But what if you havent? What if I had paid more attention during school? What if I hadnt had to go through the hardships I had to face during my college days? What if I had worked harder when I should have? Where would I be now? Would I still be in the same state of mind that I am currently in?

As you slowly realise that you are not what you could have been, or what you should have been and that you did not do what you could have done, or what you should have done, does your life loose the value you have given it?

Why are there so many questions running through my head? Im not ready to handle them. I dont dare face them. But I cannot run away from them.

Angela Chang – Journey

It’s A Long Long Journey
Till I Know Where I’m Supposed To Be
It’s A Long Long Journey
And I Don’t Know If I Can Believe
When Shadows Fall And Block My Eyes
I Am Lost And Know That I Must Hide
It’s A Long Long Journey
Till I Find My Way Home To You

Many Days I’ve Spent
Drifting On Through Empty Shores
Wondering What’s My Purpose
Wondering How To Make Me Strong

I Know I Will Falter I Know I Will Cry
I Know You’ll Be Standing By My Side
It’s A Long Long Journey
And I Need To Be Close To You

Sometimes It Feels No One Understands
I Don’t Even Know Why
I Do The Things I Do
When Pride Builds Me Up Till I Can’t See My Soul
Will You Break Down These Walls And Pull Me Through

Cause It’s A Long Long Journey
Till I Feel That I Am Worth The Price
You Paid For Me On Calvary
Beneath Those Stormy Skies

When Satan Mocks And Friends Turn To Foes
It Feel Like Everything Is Out To Make Me Lose Control
Cause It’s A Long Long Journey
Till I Find My Way Home To You.

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