January 10, 2006 at 9:57 pm (Uncategorized)

Maybe it’s because I’ve been alone for too long. Maybe it’s because I’ve never really loved some one before. Maybe it’s because I’m desperate. Maybe it’s because I’m weak.

Why do I feel all confused inside? Why the fuck do I feel this way? It was all supposed to be a game. It was all supposed to be something else – something else than this. What did I do wrong? If it’s not my fault, then why is this happening? Why does my mind want me to think this way? Or isit just my heart? Maybe it’s because I am to desperate? That any impulse in my heart makes my head go *wham*?

I promissed myself not to let this happen again. But maybe it’s because I’m just too weak to fight it off. Who does’nt want to be happy? Who wants to be a miser – sitting there alone in the dark?

But how can I feel this way when I have never really given anything to anyone before? I did’nt give anything to Karen – I sure as hell did’nt give anything to Jane. Is it because of my actions in the past that I’m here now; suffering the way that I am? Or is it just that I’m too desperate? Things are leaning that way right now….

Or is it because I’m just too stupid? Amber played the game – correction – is still playing the game. I’m still following it. I tried very hard to get out of the loop, but I’m still there. Will the same happen again this time? I hope not – and out of that hope, I’m trying hard to force myself out of the circle. Maybe it is true; I don’t belong here – and I never will.

But no one will understand the way I feel. People say that I should be strong, because of the image I project – because of the cockyness towards life that I show. Maybe it’s because I’m insecure? Too insecure with myself that I dont let myself enjoy what’s in front of me. Or maybe I’m insecure with the world. So insecure that I place such a thick protective shell around me? And if that’s so, why do I let – or rather, how the fuck do they manage to get through this shell? Is it because I let down the shell in order to do what I do – and in turn let them in by accident?

But won’t saying that be just like pushing the blame to them? And if I’m pushing the blame to them, won’t it wipe me clean of all the blame? Maybe I can’t accept the blame – the blame for me not being attractive, for me not being social enough, for me not being rich enough? I don’t know. In this state, any reasonable sounding reason is good enough for me.

I don’t want to feel like this. It isn’t fun. I want to stop feeling like this – but that can only happen when I get over it. Or when I die. It’s funny how the heart can be attracted to the things that it should’nt. It makes me think – the guy that once said “love is a many wonderful thing” might have been wrong. If he was me, I would definately change the world “love” to “hope“. Maybe I’m just a victim to hope?

Maybe it’s because I keep ramming the wall with every glitter of hope I see? Sure, hope got me through lots and lots of hard times. When they were banging on the gates of my hell – it fucking felt like the devil himself was banging on my front door – but hope saved me from going mad. When almost everything was lost, and I had to survive my days – going through each like a pauper – hope got me through. Hope got me through many hard times, when alcohol was a short term solution, as was drugs, the only two things that I knew could save me were either death or hope. Thankfully hope brought me this far. It erased the suicidal thoughts, it erased the bitter memories. But will hope get me through this? Would the phrase “I hope so” seem too corny?

I tried – belive me I tried, to fight it. But somehow it is stronger than me. Or maybe I’m just too weak. I’m trying to walk away from it – hoping that turning my back on it is the easiest way out – for me. I know it won’t affect you, because you aren’t even feeling this. I know you have your own problems to face – that’s why I dont want to pile them up on you. That’s why I’m trying so hard to walk away. Maybe one might think it’s happening to fast for me – but that only leads you back to the core question – maybe I’m too weak? Or too sensitive? Or just too fucking desperate? But when the feeling comes… there’s just no fighting it, now is there?

I tried to hold myself back. As recent as just now. Hah. I’m really as weak as I thought.

Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

The Carpenters – Close to you

Pergi saja cintamu pergi
Bilang saja pada semua
Biar semua tahu adanya
Diriku kini sendiri
Kris Diyanti – Menghitung hari

Wise men say, only fools rush in.
But I can’t help falling in love with you
Shall I stay? Would it be a sin?
I can’t help falling in love with you
UB40 – Can’t help falling in love

I guess life goes on… now does’nt it?


1 Comment

  1. Anonymous said,

    Got to love yourself first b4 loving others. Wat’s dat Irish saying….May God turn the hearts of those who don’t love you. And if He can’t turn their hearts, turn their ankles so we may know them from their limping….cheer up dude…life’s a bitch…play hard ;p..

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